3 Years

June 1, 2008

12:20 AM 

After three years of reading "Boy Meets Girl," I finished it. And I talked to God about it. I know you may think it's still early for me to think of finding true love and marriage but I never knew this book could give me a lot of realizations about the future. Because of this book, I learned to fully surrender my past, my present, and my future.

I did surrender my life to God 4 years ago. He knows every bit of it. But sometimes, I honestly could not stop thinking of things that I've done before and ask Him, "Am I worth it, Lord?" or "Can he still accept me despite all of those?" Then a line from that book changed my heart. It read: "If I had rejected her, she would not have been devastated, because her ultimate security was found in the blood-bought acceptance of her Father in heaven." 

What really mattered is that God has forgiven me. After I confessed all that I've done that did not honor Him, He never, even for once, rejected me. In fact, He embraced me and promised never to leave me. Joshua Harris was right, "His love is unfailing. And at the right time, He can bring a man or woman into your life who will accept you and forgive your past." Revealing my past to my future man is not that scary anymore. When that day comes, I will not be afraid of him because I believe God has already forgiven me and loved me despite the things I have done.

In Chapter 12, the last chapter of the book, I was blessed by Joshua Harris' story of her friend that echoed what I'm feeling for three years. Here it goes:

Recently she emailed me about a dream God gave her. It gave her renewed faith to trust Him. I hope it encourages you as well.

"I saw the Creator's hands forming little me. The same hands that had created the stars and the heavens were carefully fashioning me. I was filled with wonder and gratefulness.

I wept as I continued to see myself, now a young lady, sitting in the center of His hand, knees drawn up to my chest, my head lifted to the Lover of my soul--my all in all. I was focused on Him and only Him. My gaze was to have His total attention. I sat for what seemed an eternity, marveling and communing with my Savior, my eyes reveling in Him."

As I sat there, I saw, out of the corner of my eye, His other hand coming into view and in that hand I saw him, I knew who it was the instant I saw that it was a man. Simultaneously, we jumped to our feet and looked up at the Master.

"Is that him?" I asked, "The one that I have been waiting for? The one who has been waiting for me? Is it him?"

I could hear that he was asking the same question about me. "Is that her? The one that I have been waiting for? The one who has been waiting for me?" 

Both of our voices quaked with excitement, but they could not compare to the joy and pleasure that was in God's voice as He smiled and said, "Yes." Bringing His hands close, He joined our hands and released us into the world... together.

"I can't tell you the joy and the peace the dream brought to my heart," Kimberly told me. For her, it was an affirmation and reminder of what the Bible clearly taught. God had shaped and formed her (Psalm 119:73). God knew her intimately (Psalm 139:2). Before anything else, God wanted her to look to Him for her soul's satisfaction.

Kimberly told a few friends about her dream. Each one asked, "What did he look like? What did your husband look like?"

"I don't know," she answered them. "His face was never clear. But that's all right, because I know the face of the One that I am looking into right now and that is all that matters."

I feel blessed because of the last lines Kimberly said to her friends. God knows me very well. He knows when and how to speak to me so that everything will make perfect sense. 

For the first time, I finally understood what my first dream about the mystery meant. His face may be unclear but God made it that way for a reason. He was not supposed to be revealed yet. But because of those dreams, I was able to flee from having the possibilities of temptations in the past that could have gotten worst. Those dreams gave me patience to wait because He has reserved someone out there for me. This is also why I never engaged in relationships that do not honor Him again. That is why I remained single until now. That is why I already turned down many. And that is why I stopped looking for the right person... because I hope and believe that someday, the right person will come to find me.

I may not know the reasons why the mystery person in my dream was revealed to me or I thought was revealed to me after two years, but I am no longer saying that the man in my dream was the one. Our minds can play tricks at times. I want to see this person as a mystery. He will now be blurry, like that in my dream, broken pieces of glass.

I loved God even more in this moment. I wanted to hug Him so tight. I wanted to praise Him for the beauty of the future He has in store for me. His timing is always perfect... and beautiful.

This will be the last blog I will ever write about him. The next will be when God says so. (:

  

Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight." 

Proverbs 3:5-6 

While I was on my way tonight to the nearest jeepney stop, I kept thinking about God. I was reminded of my 3 years blog and *whoishe?*, my made-up name for the right person. For a millionth time, I asked God, "Who is he, really?" For the very first time, He answered, "He is Jesus, Your Lord and Saviour." My heart rose and I smiled like a silly girl walking under the rain on the side of the road. How could I not thought of that? For all those years, I have been trying to find out who he is, when I already knew who He is. Isn't that enough? Isn't knowing God deeper and having a complete revelation of Him already satisfying? Isn't His Love more than enough? Slowly but surely, I answered "Yes" to my own questions. "Yes. Jesus is enough for me."

Currently, I am still at the center of His hand, head lifted to Him, focus and gaze toward Him, and marvelling and communing with Him every single day. I know my Lover's face. He is the Lover of my soul. He takes care of my heart. Throughout the years I have spent with Him, I realized that the most beautiful love story that I could ever have already began...

...and it started with the decision to love God first. It is never too early or too late to fall in love with Him.