There's nothing wrong with falling in love and showing your love to another person. But when  this love turns into a game, then it has to be brought into a full halt. Two people must not be in a silly game of love or else, both of them will definitely lose.

Chapter 3: Don't Play Games or Lead People On



What goes around comes around. This is better known as karma. We all know that whatever we do to another person, we always get it back. We may not realize it now but once we start treating other people badly, we acquire it as a habit. This can lead to serious relationship issues in the future which may be hard for us to control. 

Women most often criticize men for doing the bad actions in relationships. However, they must also look at themselves and see if we are treating other people the way they want to be treated. It is impossible to form an open, loving and trusting relationship with another person if we play games, make them feel insecure, or be mean to them.

Lesson to be Learned: Leading People on Can Rebound on You

In Sense and Sensibility, Willoughby portrayed both a hero and a disagreeable man. He tried winning Marianne's affection and in the process, fell in love with her. Because Mariane comes from a poor family, he abandons her, sets off to the city, and marries a rich girl he doesn't love. Leading Marianne on, he breaks her heart. When he comes to his senses, he apologizes even though it was too late. While he traps himself in a horrible marriage, Marianne finds peace in a marriage with Colonel Brandon who truly loves her.

One thing I noticed is that most women, who are careful and afraid, tend to be the ones who play the game. They tend to go out with men, cancel at the last minute, flirt, and then throw them off guard. These women are insecure mostly because they are scared of betrayal or rejection. But little do these women know that this can only stop them from getting what they really want. And obviously, what these women want is "someone to want them back (Brooke Davis, One Tree Hill, 2004)."

What women need to do is to be genuine in order to have a serious and honest relationship with another person. Jane Austen pointed out that nothing is really wrong with flirting, attracting people, and having a good time. But if it becomes a dangerous habit which can be destructive to people involved, then it's time to pause and think. This technique of winning people over through manipulation and seduction will never work. 

Lesson to be Learned: Don't Get Addicted to Flirting

One of the wonders of Jane Austen's novels is that it influences us to take a good look at ourselves. What are we doing wrong? Have I done something bad to another person? We are also human and we have the tendency to exhibit bad actions as long as we're here on earth. But that does not mean we can do nothing to stop it.

We need to take a good look on our own behaviors. Are we flirting or leading people on? If we are, then maybe we are insecure and we want assurance from people to tell us that we are attractive, interesting, and pleasing in their eyes. If we continue doing this, we may not get what we truly want. Flirting and mentally seducing people will not bring us to serious and honest relationships. It will just tag along our backs like casual hyenas looking for fun and nothing else. If  we are truly being genuine and honest to ourselves, is this what we really want? Is being a Henry Crawford, a nasty game player of Mansfield Park who leads two beautiful and deserving women on for nothing, what we really want to be?

Lesson to be Learned: Don't be Flattered by Toxic Flirts

Women should hold on to their hearts. No matter how much affection and praise a woman receives, she still needs to protect herself. There are different kinds of men and it is a must for every woman to discern each man first before getting into a relationship or settling down with him. A man can be absolutely fond of a woman and her charm--smile with her, laugh at her jokes, compliments her, and pays full attention to her. But he cannot be so interested in her way beyond anything he actually know about her. Because he is busy thinking about how good and manly he looks with her and what other people are saying. He thinks about himself 101% of the time. And these are what we call toxic flirts, who cannot do any better than what they are capable of. 

When a woman meets a toxic flirt, she can always test him. If she tells him to slow down, he will.. only IF he is not a Henry Crawford. If he happens to be one, then he will disappear like magic. As written in this book, "Don't be seduced by someone who's rushing you and over-powering you with his charm. It will always end in tears."

What a woman should do is to value her own feelings. Letting a Henry toy with her feelings and play with her will not do her any good unless she really wants a holiday romance or a fast fillip. A relationship with a Henry will just lead to a disastrous marriage.  A Mrs. Crawford will only have a lifetime of chasing over a man who will be chasing after many other women. It will only lead to one game after another wherein all of them will just end up in misery. We all know misery is not the best company especially if we are looking for something else greater.

Yes, you got that right. Something else greater is always in ahead of us. We deserve it. The only reason why we have a hard time getting it is because we are blinded by this continuous and disastrous livelihood. We think that if we open our hearts and minds to somebody else in a translucent way, we can mess up our hearts. In fact, transparency is the only way we can find something else greater--whether it is a person we have been waiting for our whole lives, a feeling that has been absent for a long time, a relationship that is honest and just, or a love that can go on for eternity. We need to be genuine not only to others but to ourselves. What do we want?

If we all come to think of it, we all start from a messed up life of horrible relationships with people we care about but we end up trying to find our ways and groping for something greater.. not bad, but good. Something that can really affect our betterment and not mess us up or our relationships. We stop playing and we begin to value people and their feelings, and then we value ourselves and our feelings. Suddenly, relationships become serious and honest. Neither we become a toxic flirt nor let a toxic flirt bewitch us. We finally meet what we truly want.

Game over.

The Bean, Chicago, Illinois 2011

I would never do you wrong 

Or let you down or lead you on

Don't be scared, it's only love

That we're falling in 

Sorry, I'm in a Lifehouse love mode already. ((:

In my previous blog, I already mentioned when is the best time to show our feelings to another person. This next chapter specifically enumerated numerous advices about it. Though they may be somewhat different from a Christian point-of-view, I still believe these are the basic concepts that every woman should learn before they decided to lay their guard down.

Chapter 2: Don't Put Your Feelings on Public Display, Unless They're Fully Reciprocated

Not being able to show your true feelings is a problem but not being able to know when is the best time to show those feelings is another. Though women may usually know how much they like someone, it takes a long time before they can fully express those feelings. Some women lay their guard down without discerning the other person's feelings. But most women still ensure that their feelings are reciprocated. The former action involves a risk while the latter involves an assurance. When it comes to men we really like, I'm sure all women want an assurance first.

Lesson to be Learned: Mutuality

The first lesson that a woman should know is the importance of mutuality, which is defined by the Webster dictionary as the quality or state of being mutual or a sharing of the same sentiments. It is related to the term 'intimacy' which primarily holds a personal or private nature. The book's example illustrated the importance of mutuality both in Marianne's and Elinor's situation concerning the men they loved. Marianne, being showy and careless about her feelings to Willoughby, has won her man though she failed to keep him in the end. As for Elinor, being shy and reserved about her feelings to Edward Ferars, has saved herself from further disappointments and pain due to lack of mutual assurance from her man. Both women expressed their feelings but in different levels of openness. I am assuming that most girls would not want to be like Marianne. She would definitely learn a lot about discretion and self-control from her sister.


When dating a man, Jane Austen also raised up the significance of the evidences that he shows. Every woman should not ignore these evidences. Whether big or small, a woman must be keen to figure out if a man likes her or not. For example, a man who constantly breaks his promises to a woman and sends mixed signals instead of making it clear that he likes her will eventually lead to a chase in her part. It is understandable to chase him a few times out of curiosity. But if she noticed that he has moved on, then she had to let him go. Falling in love and finding the right man is indeed desirable for all women. The only reminder for us is to restrain ourselves from pressure due to a relationship that is not going anywhere in the first place. Jane Austen said this is simply commonsense.

What to do instead is to respect a man's signals. In first dates and meetings, a woman should not expect anything. If a man really likes a woman, he will eventually find a way to make the communication going. If the man does not make any stride, then it is time for a woman to move on and let go. There has to be a good and constant mutual give and take. Otherwise, the woman would not get what she is giving. 

Lesson to be Learned: Don't Let a Man Play You Off Against Other Women


Do not throw yourself at a player is one of Jane Austen's commonsense advice in this book. The examples of Julia and Maria's situation illustrates how a fight over a player named Henry can lead to a huge disaster. Obviously, the man has not chosen among Julia and Maria because he likes both of them. He likes to date both of them. He loves both of them. This is ridiculous. Not being able to choose responsibly and make up his mind simply shows he is stupid. If a man really likes a woman, he will make his feelings clear to her. 

Ladies, in order to save yourself from these kind of men, Jane Austen has advised that the best way is to protect your feelings. The "guard your heart" Christian point-of-view is related to this. Our heart is the "wellspring of life" and all our deepest emotions and feelings are better to be kept rather than spoilt. Do you know why they say that a woman's heart is like a deep ocean of secrets? Well, it is because a man may know everything about a woman once she opens her heart to him. That is why women should learn when to conceal and restrain themselves from men. Ladies, you would not want to end up like Kitty and Lydia of Pride and Prejudice!

Lesson to be Learned: Self-control

Every woman should learn how to control herself. A woman who keeps throwing herself at men is not looking for love but someone to fight over loneliness, addiction, or something else. A man will never fall in love with a woman who does not want him for himself. A woman  should not be a desperate-seeming person or else she would just throw herself to the next eligible man she meets and would not even take the time to get to know him. This is not flattering to any man at all.

Like women, men also need to breathe. They need their space and a time to be alone every now and then. If a man does not ring a woman after a few dates, panicking and stressing over it would not help. Of course, there are a lot of reasons why he is not calling. 

Ladies, this relationship is new to him too. Like us, men also have the right to contemplate about us. So all we need to do is wait for him. If we do the "moves," we may do something that could ruin everything. Similarly to what Amanda Peet said to Ashton Kutcher (A Lot Like Love), imagine a guy saying this line to you: "Don't ruin it."


My personal take in this chapter is this.. Women, respect yourselves above all men. This is like a first commandment between a relationship. A woman who does not respect herself or does not know her worth and value would not get what she deserves. Before she can love another person and show her love to another person, she must learn to love herself. Once she has loved herself above all men, she would learn the importance of a constant mutual give and take relationship, the value of guarding her heart, and the art of disciplining and controlling herself in the presence of men. 

It is through this, and only through this that a woman can love another man (in this earth) apart from her own (apart from God).

When I was looking around the gift shop at the Museum of Fine Arts in Boston, I stumbled upon a book named "Jane Austen's Guide to Dating," written by Lauren Henderson. Beside the book, there was "Pride and Prejudice" with a green vintage-inspired cover. My eyes suddenly lit up with excitement and I convinced my mother to buy Lauren Henderson's book for me. I have never seen a copy of that book in any bookstore here in Manila. I could definitely relate this wonderful discovery to the Inkheart line, "All books are destined."


In the beginning of December, I started turning the pages of the book. It consisted of 10 chapters with some quizzes and a compatibility chart. I just finished reading Chapter 1 and I am already getting fine pieces of advice.

Chapter 1: If You Like Someone, Make It Clear That You Do

The title of the chapter seemed very straightforward, isn't it? But it is exactly what this book is advising to its readers. This book emphasized on three major points: Enjoy the moment, be open and easygoing, and don't make snap judgments.

Enjoy the Moment

Women need to be courted and they are born to enjoy it. However, women nowadays tend to obsess over men and overdo everything. The truth is, this obsession do not sweep men off their feet. This only send men running away. It even gives the impression that women are worrying about whether they are pleasing the men which should be the other way around.

What women need to do in dating or in a relationship is let men please them. If women are pleased, men are also pleased. In addition, women should show the men that they are pleased with the date, the choice of restaurant, the kind of flowers they received, and anything that they liked about the date. When men see that women are pleased, they see it as a good sign that they are making women happy.

Be Open and Easygoing

"Be yourself" is absolutely the most popular advice anybody can give to another at any situation. Following this advice still has a great effect on dating. From the very start, women and men should be making a good impression on each other. But there is no need for women and men to impress each other with things that they do not have. It will only make things difficult and probably send the wrong signals to the other person. They still have to show each other who they really are or else the dating process will not be that easy.

In dating, there are times that trusting good commonsense and instincts are the things women should do. Most books would say that if a woman likes a man and he asks her out, she should not say "yes" at once. Jane Austen is telling each woman that they need to stop hiding their true feelings and be open about it instead. Women must tell people that they like them instead of hiding their true feelings or it may be too late.

Pride and Prejudice serves as a perfect example of how women, not only men, should better show more affection than she feels. Mr. Darcy and Jane Bennet almost lost their loved ones because of their pride. Jane obviously liked Mr. Bingley but she concealed her true feelings from him. Being afraid and guarded, Jane lost the opportunity of fixing Mr. Bingley. She experienced being wounded and hurt before she could have him back. Due to the explanation of Jane's sister Elizabeth Bennet to Mr. Darcy and the help and assurances provided by Mr. Darcy to Mr. Bingley, Mr. Bingley finally decided to ask for her hand.

As for Mr. Darcy, his first meeting with Elizabeth Bennet have shown that he noticed her but acted atrociously about it. When he finally realized he really liked her, Elizabeth snubbed him off. He confidently proposed to her which has greatly surprised Elizabeth. Despite Elizabeth's upsetting family background, Mr. Darcy was so sure that she would accept his hand. However, Elizabeth slapped him down, feeling insulted. When they met again, Mr. Darcy started courting her in a proper manner. For the second time, he proposed to Elizabeth and she shyly reciprocated his feelings. A woman who has been confronted by a man with so much pride should remain to act modest and could only show her true feelings once she has brought him down to his knees.

Don't Make Snap Judgments

A man who did not make it on a woman's prospective-radar may be the right person for her. Women usually make up her own idea of a man they would like to date. At times, they miss out on the possibility of a good blossoming relationship. They turn down men who do not fit in their standards and only realize it later on that they made a mistake. Women are not only the victims in this case. Even a man who have never thought of dating a woman as his long-term prospect suddenly finds out that she is the one.

What men and women should do is be open-minded. Fifteen minutes would not hurt if this resulted to a conversation that is mutually enjoyed by two people. How would you know if the person is the one if you have not spent time getting to know the person?

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As a Christian, I do not have the habit of leading guys on. I do spend time to get to know the person, enjoy the moment, and be open and easygoing. But once I see some characteristics that could affect myself, my family and friends, and most of all, my faith, I know what to do. He's off my prospective-radar. You may tell me that it is too soon to take him off and I should hang on until I see sparks fly and hear birds chirping. However, I could feel something for someone based on our first few meetings. I believe we need to make it clear to ourselves, and not only to the person we like, our feelings. If we know that we like the person from the start, then everything else will easily follow.

One more thing, women have the choice to make up their ideal man and list down Godly standards of their man. Women know themselves well. God designed women for someone who can compliment them. If women do not make standards, how can they choose right? Will they just jump in to every relationship with every guy who courts them? Women should make up their ideal man, make their own standards, ask for God's standards, and bridge those standards. What my mother always tells me is that our standards cannot be met by a man all at once. That is why our standards should be aligned to God's standards for His standards are what your ideal man still needs to fulfill to be fit for you.

To women who are dating someone right now, I assure you that getting to know the person, enjoying the moment and being open and easygoing can help you decide if he is the right man. There are instances when we overdo the enjoyment, go overboard, and we forget to pause and consider our actions. Sometimes we need to trust our instincts once in awhile but we also need to trust our faith. We are still women who have to be respected and cared for.

A woman needs to guard her heart for it is the wellspring of life (Proverbs 4:23). Don't ever forget that you are God's princess and you are meant to be sought after! Find a man who brings out the best in you just like what God does. When you found the man and you have God's assurance, then that is the time you can make your feelings clear to him.

Next: Jane Austen's Guide to Dating Chapter 2